I forgot I almost died yesterday.
Just past midnight, New York, July 6th, 2014.
Every year that day would come around and I would feel really strange. I treated it like an anniversary. I was very aware of that date and how I spent it. Should I sit and be introspective about what could have happened? How much worse it could have been? Should I reflect on how far I have come? How lucky I am?
I used to be nervous and jerky on that day. I would post on social media, angrily, about how people need to be more aware of motorcyclists and not drive like assholes. Don’t drive drunk. Don’t rush. Listen for bikes, their pipes are loud for a reason. Stop fucking tailing motorcycles. Check your blindspots.
Instead, on Sunday, I spent the day reading with my cats and playing Catan with my two closest people. I had completely forgotten what day it was.
Maybe that was significant. It’s been eleven years; one year past a decade. Had I turned a corner in my trauma? Is ten the magic number? Probably not. I still hug my partner extra tight when he goes out on his bike. I still feel like throwing up when I am driving on the highway near a group of riders. I will absolutely never ride again. But I do feel like it has less of a hold on me now.
I don’t blame it for how my life turned out; my life is pretty good now. There was a bit of agony in my 20s but, I figured it out. I don’t feel vengeance anymore. I don’t wish ill on the girl who did it. I’m working through accepting that I have a disability that will only get worse with age. I’m working on navigating chronic pain, still, and probably always will. It’s still really hard to accept there are some things I can’t do or can never do again. I still wonder if the EMT’s remember me after all this time, clawing at their shirts and telling them I can’t be paralyzed, or if I am just another work day in their memory.
But to me, it is just another day now. It’s three days before my birthday. Three days separate the day I came to live and the day I almost died.
Kinda poetic, in a fucked up way.
