A typical writer's meltdown.
Let me walk you through my insane thought process that sent me into a tale-spin during revisions. If you think you're alone in this, you're not.
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I finished Astarion’s storyline in Baldur’s Gate 3 and shed actual tears. Full, satisfying character arcs are my favorite part of stories. I want them to make hard choices and grow, I want them to be fully realized, with complex emotions that feel relatable and therefore create visceral reactions in the reader.
When I finished his story, for whatever reason, my immediate thought was, “I could never write something like that.”
WHY WAS THAT MY FIRST THOUGHT? Why did I make it about me?
Naturally, I immediately returned to my draft even though it was a Sunday which I designated as non-writing rest days. I mostly just floundered around overthinking my character. I went back and forth between chapters, asking myself if Hagador seemed like a real person. Does he have a unique voice? Are his wants clear? What are his needs?
I felt the mania taking over and so I stepped away. I kind of stood in my office and I thought to myself, I should buy a new book to read.
WHY? WHY WAS THAT MY SECOND SOLUTION?
While I read for pleasure, I also read to make myself a better writer. Sometimes I get lost in the sauce and I read in too calculated of a manner. I mark where the character realized their want, I underline the first time a character’s back story appears, I count how many sentences the first description of a character is. That’s not reading, that’s analyzing, and that’s not why I read. It sucks the fun out of it and it also makes me feel insane while I’m revising my own novel. “Comparison is the thief of joy” and all that.
I looked at the books I had on my desk that I was reading. It’s important to note that I was also in the middle of an indecisive reading rut so, all around not having a good time! I had:
Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat In Difficult Times by Katherine May
The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson
From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout
Assassin’s Blade by Sarah J. Maas
Huh???
I was about two chapters into each of them, not really fully committed, and so at that moment, I thought that I needed a fresh book with a plot I didn’t already know so I could pick it apart and use it as a formula for my own.
I ended up running to my partner and thought-dumping all my writing insecurities on him. I thought my book was boring because my character does a lot of information sleuthing in Act 1. Rob reminded me that he and I BOTH read every single book we pick up in Baldur’s Gate, Skyrim, Elder Scrolls Online, etc. That audience - the one that loves lore, that loves playing history sleuth and finding secrets and putting the pieces together - is out there. That audience was us, it was me, and first and foremost, I’m writing my story for me. I told him I felt like I was writing my book too slowly. He reminded me it’s going to take however long it’s going to take. I said I wanted to go buy new books and he said we have books at home. Which I did…but I felt like walking around a bookstore would somehow strike inspiration into me like lightning.
But I didn’t need inspiration.
I needed to walk away from my draft and take a breather.
I went back in my office and I stood in front of my bookshelf and thought about where this was coming from. Honestly, I still don’t think I know. It’s probably because I constantly compare myself to other writers. It never goes away and it pops up viciously sometimes.
Case and point, after all of that, I didn’t go to the bookstore. Instead, I put all the books back on my shelf and settled down with Joe Abercrombie’s The Blade Itself. I’d read it before but never finished the series. I’ve always considered him a close comparable to my writing, especially after reading Best Served Cold; dark characters that fuck up a lot, peppered with humor, but at its core, touching on relatable human issues with morally grey choices and complex emotions.
I read into the night and when I woke up the next morning and sat down to write, I found myself reaching for it to analyze it!
I closed it, I pushed it away, and I actually said out loud to myself; You are not Joe Abercrombie. You never will be, because your writing is your. writing. and no one else’s.
Sometimes I’ll be cookin’ with gas, thinking my story is incredible. The next day, I’ll have lost all that steam and hope. This was the first time I was really able to dig myself out of that hole, which I was really proud of. These ruts used to last weeks, sometimes months. But I stopped, checked myself, and got back to work.
Man do I feel this one. Sometimes I hear a song or a piece of music that’s so good, my first thought is to have a garage sale, dump all my gear and take up furniture refinishing or something.
It requires a force of will to go back to my own projects and remind myself why I like what I do. I also try to remind myself that this only means there’s more to learn and more room to grow. The hard part is believing me when I say that 😊
ugh... i really feel this one... thanks for sharing your process and realizations!